How Past Trauma Impacts Our Ability to Manage Conflict
You may not be aware, but the reason you struggle to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts could be because of any trauma that you experienced in your life.
The long-term effects that trauma has on your ability to communicate and resolve conflict can be mild to severe–depending on how much “inner work” you have done on yourself.
Trauma does not only involve rape, molestation, child abuse, and murder. It can also include:
- family violence,
- divorce,
- loss of loved ones,
- car accidents,
- dog attacks,
- workplace injuries,
- life-threatening illnesses,
- political violence, and
- war.
It can be less obvious things such as emotional abuse and being told you are a loser or will never amount to anything.
I have personal experience with people close to me who still suffer from those words they received as a child. Words hurt. Words matter. And when these words are used later by someone else, they are triggered, and go back to the feelings they had as a child.
Trauma is all too prevalent in our society. The Canadian Psychological Association says, “76% of Canadians report having experienced a traumatic event during their lifetime.”
Not surprisingly, the National Council for Behavioural Health says, “70% of adults in the U.S. have experienced some type of traumatic event at least once in their lives” and I am sure it is not much different here in Canada. There is a trend in North America. However, I suspect it is more of a global phenomenon.
Trauma is all about pain.
And because trauma can be so devastating, conflict and criticism can often feel like:
- You are being judged
- You are being attacked
- You are being dismissed
- You are weak, like a victim
- You are unloved or unworthy
Even for the most “evolved” person who has spent years doing inner work (e.g., therapy, self-help, self-love), everyday communication can be triggering and upsetting. Add to that some underlying trauma, and you have a recipe for more pain and conflict.
Any new conflict is often experienced as a new trauma for anyone who has experienced trauma (or a new wound).
To make matters worse, the new trauma is being stacked on top of the old trauma that still lives inside you! It’s no wonder you feel upset or get defensive when some type of miscommunication occurs. Receiving any type of criticism must be incredibly difficult for you because you feel like you are under attack.
Some people might refer to your old trauma as “emotional baggage,” which can understandably make you feel bad about yourself. I prefer to use less harsh expressions, such as “stuff” or “bits and pieces.” The important thing is to choose words that work for you, which do not cause others pain.
So, you experienced trauma in your life; how you feel now is not wrong or right—it just is. You spent a lifetime overcoming stuff that was outside your control. And it sucks to be able to deal with some of the long-term effects of the trauma.
Whatever happened to you, know that you are not damaged goods or broken. You are not less than or unworthy. There is essential work that needs to be done to feel like you are whole or healed.
Why would you want to engage in personal inner work that will cause you pain? Doing your inner work allows you the chance to work through your stuff so that you can become the best version of yourself. You get to do this for YOU—and no one else.
What’s the alternative?
Walking through the world with unresolved trauma causes us to see ourselves as victims, and others as perpetrators.
We are often in reactive mode, frequently triggered by what other people do or say to us. It’s because the pain is always hiding just beneath the surface.
This presents in different ways.
For example, we can retreat and feel like a powerless doormat. Think about it. If your life is full of bullies and perpetrators that you blame for your pain, you may want to look at what’s going on inside.
Find your voice. Find support. And work on you!
Alternatively, you can go through your life lashing out at others. But this is no way to live life! It will destroy your relationships and, possibly, career opportunities.
You may become a bully. No one likes bullies.
You may feel justified in freaking out.
Consider that the people in your life may have been caught in your crosshairs (because they said the wrong thing or said something the wrong way).
If you continuously get into conflicts and horrible arguments with others, you could become defensive (due to the pain) and feel the need to fight back. Or you may be a “right-fighter,” someone who obsessively feels the need to be right.
Then there are the lucky few who built the courage to invest in themselves.
You did a ton of inner work, and you feel strong. You may feel like you are a pretty good communicator. That’s great! But because we can’t control how other people act or speak, there is a good chance you will still become triggered and find yourself in an ugly conflict.
Did you know trauma is stored not only in our mind but also in our body (cells and tissues) and our spirit?
That is why talk-therapy alone cannot heal you.
It’s often helpful to do some wellness activities such as walking, running, yoga, and tai chi, as they also enable a strong mind-body connection.
If you are interested in trying some alternative therapies, you could look into Rapid Eye Therapy, otherwise known as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), as it was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories.
You could also investigate energetic work (e.g., Reiki, healing touch, and therapeutic touch) to release the trauma from your body, mind, and spirit.
Regardless of where you find yourself, I can help you identify the best way to respond during a conflict so you can resolve it peacefully and amicably for both of you.
You will learn new tools to reframe your conversations and strengthening your relationships. To no longer seek victory or defeat but rather work towards gaining a mutual understanding and a win-win outcome.
If this is how you want your life to look like, contact me today to schedule a free 30-minute consultation.